She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
