dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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