I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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