Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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