Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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