It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
