Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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