The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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