those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
