It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
