a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
