I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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