Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
