I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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