I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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