highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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