I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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