I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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