hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
