last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
