I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
