i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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