So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
it's like iHOP with fire
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
