Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
