apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
