The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
