There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
