i love accidental penises.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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