He uses pillows to masturbate.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
