SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
