his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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