and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
