every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
