one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
