sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
