Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
