Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
