I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
