The maid of honor just puked.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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