Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I still have a little drunk in my system
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Randomize
