I can tuck mytits in my pants
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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