I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦â€
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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