there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
