I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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