Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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