I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
