my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
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