onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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