she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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