You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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