her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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