Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
