Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize