Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
