We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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