he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
