Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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