is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
