Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
