We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
