I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
