I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize