I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
