i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My feet surprised me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
