I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
