Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
