I just pynch a tree in the face
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
