I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
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