i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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