you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
