Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
