Midget sex pt 2 tonight
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize