he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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