Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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